I decided not to say anything to DH about the girl. I figure all it will do is bring up part of our past that neither of us wants to relive. It's hard though. I wonder if I'll truly be able to get over it. The hurt he put me through is hard to forget. I've forgiven him but I can't forget. I think part of me is just waiting. Waiting for him to do it again.

When I was younger I dreamed of Prince Charming. How wonderful our marriage would be. How happy we would be to have kids, grow old together and our love never die. I always had this feeling this wasn't meant for me. No matter how much I wanted it. I always felt like I was meant to be alone. Maybe this is why I push people so hard. I think I try and make them hate me so I will be alone. I still think I'm part of the reason DH had a breakdown because I do this. He denies it. Says it all his fault, but I wonder. Anyways marriage is never what we expected it be. I look back at my thoughts and wonder what the hell I was thinking?!?!?

I think I'm going to keep my eyes and hears open and see what happens with the new developments with the girl. Hopefully it's just me being paranoid. Maybe not.

BEST IRISH JOKE OF 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

In a previous post I spoke of my DH breakdown and how he almost left me. Well there is a little more to it that I would like to discuss.

My DH use to keep a blog that he didn't want me to read because I guess he wanted something private. Well during his breakdown I figured out what his blogspot was so I took a look without telling him. Nothing too bad in it. Just some ranting and raving about marriage sucking and that he's never happy. There were comments by one particular girl a lot. Turns out this is the girl he said he had feeling for.

Since then he's sliced and diced his blog. After that he told me I could read it. I never told him that I read before then. I feel bad that I did, but when your DH tells you that isn't sure if he loves you or not and that he's thinking about divorce...What do you do?

Well this girl has a blog of her own. I haven't looked at it a long time because DH and I have been on the up and ups since his breakdown is over. Something compelled me to look today. Found out that she's moved back home from NY.

Guess were home is? About an hour from my house!

Now I'm all up in arms. What if she tries to make contact with DH? What if she already has? DH never told me she use to live here. Why would he keep that from me?

I'm so scared of being betrayed again. You wouldn't believe all the questioning I did after I found out about his online flirting with this girl. He told me they discuss getting together only after they both had been divorced for a while. He wouldn't tell me everything they discuss because he said it didn't matter, and a lot of what he said was coming from a bad state of mind he was in.

I want to ask him if she's tried to make contact but I'm afraid that I will have to admit that I snoop around his blog when he asked me not too. I don't know what to do?!?!